apprentice of evil: Beginners Program


to lift, to truly lift! that must be glorious…

Greetings, freaks!! I’ve been receiving some messages from beyond the grave that perhaps some of you (no offense.. this time) may not be up to par, fitness level-wise, to go forth and spend an hour or 2 flirting with a Death Comes Lifting certified workout. Let alone follow one of our Monster Maker or Night Of The Lifting Dead programs. Well, to that I say two things..

1, you’re being a weak member of the lifting dead army. There is a difference between being physically incapable of enduring a workout and pushing yourself to the grave.. which is what we try to get you, us, and all witches, zombies, werewolves, and deadites alike to do with these workouts. They’re not easy nor are they meant to be. If you follow our workouts as prescribed they will HURT. Period.  It doesn’t matter who you are, what music you listen to, what spells you conjure or what type of blood you drink. That being said..

2, Fair enough. You’re a beginner. None of my above retaliation applies to you. You look at these zombie slaying workout plans like “I don’t even know what this means, where to begin, or if I can even get out of my grave without throwing my bones out of whack.” Yeah, that was you talking. If you’re actually not being a bitch of a lesser evil entity than I’ve imagined you, I’m creating this BEGINNER WORKOUT PROGRAM. Just for you. And the best part about it, it costs just as much as the price of death.. FREE!! Just pay with your life!!

Imagine this for a prince or princesses of darkness and evil - not the full fledged undead kings we (wrongfully, self-self-righteously) presume ourselves to be (but we’ll take it)… and thats totally COOL. As a corpse. This program is for Level 1, like you freaks that kind of workout regularly, but not really. Or you used to go to the gym but the occult called you to do other things we can no disclose at this time with your time and you just haven’t made it back to the gym. Or you workout but much like the living dead wander aimlessly without any real purpose but to get that blood to drink brains to feast upon after your “workout.” This is for you and the undead lifting lords have come to your muscle building fat burning positive mental attitude iron pumping heavy metal banging therapy rescue in disguise of The Apprentice of Evil… beginner's lifting program. 


PLOT TWIST: this isn’t just for beginners. I know because I personally have been doing this as I scribed it for you freaks, and it kicked my undead white ass all over the gym. The only difference between beginners and more advanced lifters is the seasoned lifting dead will utilize more weight, probably shorter rest periods, and more sets. Without getting into too much ridiculous detail that you probably don’t really care about anyways; the idea of this program is to superset (one exercise right after another with no rest in between) an upper body exercise with a lower body exercise, because we’re bloodthirsty and gore obsessed, to pump blood throughout all your extremities, and tearing up the muscle fibers efficiently throughout your entire body. Then we will also hit CORE at the end, because we all need that, dead or alive. CONVENIENTLY, there’s a whole mess of an article in the obituaries that more than covers (in maggots) that subject. AS WELL AS THE WARM UP that you absolutely cannot ignore like your parents ignored you or you wouldn’t be reading this site.

You will be working in a higher rep range (15-25) for not only because you aren’t strong enough (yet) to throw around the super heavy weight, but more importantly, to establish a mind muscle connection. Yes, like some Dracula type business. Mind-muscle connection is something that can’t be explained or taught too well, you just have to feel it, much like a vampire transformation… and that comes from practice. Think of these reps as practice. Like, you are practicing working out, literally. You are a beginner and as they always say because it’s true practice makes perfect. Through practice, high reps, consistency, proper technique, and functional movements, you will earn your seat upon dark throne of fitness. Not to mention, doing it the correct way to avoid injury or anything else. Death Comes Lifting recommends 2 sets of each superset for beginner’s purposes.

As you progress and you feel the need to make it 3 or 4, please do so! But, start original zombie paced slow and pay attention to the signals your body is sending you... yeah, now we’re on some White Zombie mind control type business. For intermediate lifers that want to give this a shot (and you should) I would start the first week with 3 sets and assess from there. Advanced lifters (who should also do this), you know where you stand and what you can handle. I would still start with 3 sets.. if you are using heavy enough weight and not taking too long of a rest period, it should work. Increase to 4, and then even 5. If you do 6, I satanically salute you. Without further ado… Here we go, children of the night… what weights they lift!