the home crypt progRAM

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gym!!! Err, uh, in this case, workout at home!! We have returned for PART II : Death Comes Lifting’s Revenge, with an AT HOME beginner workout program, so now you REALLY have no excuse!! We highly recommend you get a gym membership and try out our full fledged Apprentice of Evil 8-Week Beginner Program, as all the equipment necessary for this program is in the gym and will yield better and more effective results.. but that’s not to say you can’t get great results and endure killer workouts in the comfort of your own crypt, if getting to the gym just ins’t a possibility for you (although I’m not buyiing that excuse, either). 

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BUT perhaps you’re the type o cat - or vamp - that doesn’t get out the coffin much, or hates interacting with the outside “gym” world, and for now, I understand that. This one is for you my freaky friends. All you will need to complete this program is the bare basics... a set of dumbbells (ideally a lighter set and a heavier set, relative to your ability), a resistance band, your body, and some space. You don’t even need a mat although I would recommend it for comfort purposes but hey - we’ve been through worse. Do some chest presses lying on the floor in preparation for trying to break out of your coffin, once you’ve been infected with the lifting dead disease. BUT I HIGHLY RECOMMEND BUYING PULL UP BAR FOR DOOR, as there is no effective at home substitute for pull ups, in my opinion. If you do not have access to a pull up bar, where ever you see one being used in the program, simply substitute another back exercise, such as rows, or negate it, although you would be doing yourself a grave (hah) disservice. without further ado, onward we march to eternal lifts on the path to the cemetary gates…

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PHASE 1

bodyweight - I mean - corpseweight only. You heard me. 3 days a week. nothing but you and your tortured soul are battling in these workouts. nothing fancy or pretty, just building a coffin-0ready foundation.

PHASE 2

the brute force Frankenstein phase is classic style, strength enhancing, hypertrophy igniting, weight training workouts. hate living. love lifting.

PHASE 3

the zombie hunter phase is a lethal combination of all we’ve conquered in the first two phases, spiced up a bit, thrown in with some conditioning for good luck, and you’re a certified lifting dead killer.

PHASE 4

THIS IS AS IF WE TOOK THE CERTIFIED ZOMBIE KILLER YOU JUST BECAME IN PHASE 3 AND MADE YOU A FULL-FLEDGED IMMORTAL VAMPIRE, BUT ALSO STILL KILLING MACHINE. AND STRONG. AND SEXY. SURIVE THIS AND YOU’LL HAVE ALL YOU NEED IN YOUR QUEST FOR UNDEAD LIFTING GLORY.

disclaimer: *One phase is NOT NECESSARILY harder than other, they’re all hard. Deal with it*